


Break On Me

by jqueen17



Category: Phan
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-08
Updated: 2016-03-08
Packaged: 2018-05-25 10:42:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6191920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jqueen17/pseuds/jqueen17
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A Dan and Phil oneshot with lots and lots of fluff and some angst-king of a songfic loosely based on Keith Orban's Break On Me, so if you want to check that out it's a beautiful song:)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Break On Me

**Author's Note:**

> I feel like this is one of my best fics so far, so please let me know what you think and enjoy!

Phil  
I didn't remember when it had gotten this bad, but here we were, fighting again. I didn't even know what about, if I was being honest; I just hated Dan's attitude and I'd never hated any aspect of Dan, and it was shocking. Because I did think, when Dan muttered you're so concerned about your fans opinions, that I hated him. It was a split second thought, one I wasn't proud of, but my thought nonetheless. And Dan saw it in my eyes, and a few moments later he was slamming the door to his room and I could hear him sobbing, the walls were so thin. And I cried as well, cried because Dan would never tell me what was wrong and I could never help and that was all I ever wanted to do.  
It wasn't until we were nearly a month into this vicious cycle when I realized how bad it was. Dan and I were hanging out with Louise and PJ and Chris, the normal crew, and we were talking about something when Chris asked the question that spiraled everything out of control.  
“So Dan, how's Kacey?”  
I looked up, wondering who Kacey was. Everyone else looked equally confused, except Dan, who's face had paled.  
“Um, fine.”  
“Who's Kacey?” Louise asked, furrowing her eyebrows. Dan looked absolutely panicked, and I briefly wondered why before the conversation continued.  
“Dan's girlfriend,” Chris smirked, and Dan gave an almost imperceptible shake of his head. I was looking straight at him when he did, because Dan didn't have a girlfriend, at least that I knew of.  
“I thought you were seeing Stella?” Louise questioned, and Dan opened his mouth but nothing came out. And then PJ spoke, surprising me with his furious tone.  
“Well that's interesting, because I was under the assumption he was with my sister, Daisy.”  
“You have a girlfriend?” I asked quietly, but no one was paying attention to me at all.  
“I…” Dan was very rarely completely at loss for words, but with everyone staring at him with varying types of expressions, he was stuck. PJ shoved his chair back from the table angrily, slamming the door as he left without another word. Louise chased after him, and Chris looked so awkward that I stood as well, going to talk to PJ and leaving Dan sitting at the table.  
Louise had caught him in the hall, red-faced and fuming.  
“He-I swear if he-”  
“Peej, calm down,” Louise murmured soothingly. Louise was good at that, at sounding like a comforting mother, and I simply stood with my arms crossed, knowing what I was about to have to do.  
And sure enough, a few moments later, Dan came out of Louise's flat and PJ was flying at him.  
“You sonofabitch, leading my sister on-I swear I'll-”  
I grabbed PJ around his middle, holding him back and snapping at Dan, “Just go home. I'll be there later.” He blinked a few times before nearly running down the hall, and then PJ crumpled, defeated. Louise and I managed to get him inside, and Chris assured him that Dan was a good guy, Dan would have an explanation, and I thought he'd better.  
By the time I was able to leave without being rude, it was around midnight, and the door of the flat was unlocked. I walked into the lounge to see Dan sprawled on the couch, staring at the show on TV but not really watching it, a bottle of wine and a bottle of vodka lying empty on the coffee table.  
“Oh, Dan,” I said quietly, and he looked up, sad brown eyes stamping out the last of my anger from before.  
“Is PJ okay?”  
“Better than you are, I'd bet,” I muttered, walking over and picking up the bottles. “Were you with his sister?”  
Dan winced, his eyes struggling to focus on me as I threw the bottles in the trash.  
“It was a one night stand. She didn't want a relationship.”  
“And Stella?”  
Dan gave a gesture that I assumed meant that was also a fling, and when I asked about Kacey, he nodded again. I snorted, sitting next to him on the couch. We hadn't talked this much without fighting in a while, and it was weird.  
“Why are you whoring around so much lately?”  
Dan flinched again, but simply muttered, “I'm trying to get through some things.”  
“By banging every willing girl?” I asked, a bit too harshly. Dan shook his head, seeming about to fall over.  
“Drinking and having sex isn't going to fix whatever it is,” I said, softer this time. Signing, Dan nodded.  
“I know.”  
We sat in silence for a few moments, and Dan seemed to be mulling something over.  
“Do you want to tell me about it?” I asked, and Dan snapped his head up, looking alarmed.  
“You-no, it doesn't matter and you wouldn't care and I'm sorry.”  
He was a mess, looking flustered and stuttering and slurring his words. I put an arm around his shoulder, and he leaned into me, letting out a shaky breath.  
“I don't like you when you're drunk,” I murmured, somewhat against the side of his head. He nodded jerkily, letting out a bitter laugh.  
“I don't like me either.”  
“I like you when you're sober, though.”  
Dan didn't respond, just shrugged. I thought he was falling asleep when he spoke, sounding young and vulnerable.  
“I like you all the time.”  
I didn't know what he meant by that, by that tone in his voice, and I was starting to freak out a little when he stood abruptly, almost falling down again.  
“Sorry. I shouldn't, I just-I’m sorry.”  
And then he was gone, stumbling into his room and leaving me to wonder what is happening to us?

The next day was even worse. I woke up early, getting a glass of water and some liquid aspirin to help Dan's inevitable hangover headache. I knocked on his door quietly, and not getting a response, opened the door to see him lying on the floor, existential crisis-style. I repressed a sigh, kneeling down next to him and running a hand over his back.  
“Dan, you'll be okay. I brought you some-”  
“Go away.”  
His voice was lifeless, and I pushed on, having dealt with this many times before.  
“You have a hangover and feel like death and I brought you some stuff to help-”  
“I said go the fuck away, Phil.”  
His tone had changed, and I faltered, wondering if he was still mad over nothing.  
“But I'm just trying to-”  
“GET OUT!”  
I jumped, almost falling over backwards, and did that exact thing. Dan wasn't...normal, right now, and it was scaring me. This wasn't a normal hangover, or a normal existential crisis, even. Dan never got mad at me for trying to help; Dan hardly ever got mad at me at all. I went into my room, pulling up some stupid video on my phone and trying to drown out the sound of Dan's pacing. I wanted to know what was wrong, because I knew if I knew I could fix it. I was good at that-I wasn't good at a lot of things, but I was good at that-but I couldn't do a thing with Dan shutting me out.   
I heard silence from his room after about an hour, and when I opened the door quietly, he was sprawled out on his bed, face down with his duvet balled into his fists, asleep. I smiled a little, despite knowing the only reason he was asleep was because he'd worn himself to exhaustion. Dan was real when he was asleep; no sarcastic, aesthetic pretenses, no guarded eyes and carefully calculated words and expressions. He was just Dan. Making sure to be as gentle and quiet as possible, I went into my room, taking my duvet and draping it over him carefully. Dan was always cold, and I didn't want him to be cold. If there was anything I could do...I would.  
I was about to return to my room when something caught my eye, lying on his nightstand. I initially noticed it because it was the brightest object in Dan’s room, including the warm, dim lights. It was a small white book, resembling his planner but his planner was black, and I had never seen this book before. There were very few things Dan or I owned that the other wasn't aware of, and I was curious to know how I'd missed this. I wasn't usually one to invade another person's privacy, but as I flipped the book to a random page I saw that it was a journal, all the entries written in Dan's semi-messy scrawl. I couldn't help reading the last page, dated today, actually. He must have written in it before he fell asleep.

'Phil doesn't deserve this. He doesn't deserve my behaviour. I know that, and I knew that when I yelled at him a minute ago, and I'll know that when I eventually snap completely and hurt him in the aftermath.  
Why the fuck am I even trying anymore? I don't want to try. I don't want to do anything. I don't even want to be here, just wish there was some way I could essentially stop existing without it hurting me or anyone else. And even if it hurt me, that'd be okay, as long as it didn't hurt Phil. I'd rather live without wanting to live than die and leave him behind feeling like it was his fault.  
I hope he knows he's the only reason I'm hanging on. I treat him like shit and I don't show my appreciation enough and he thinks it's his fault and it's not, of course it's not, and I wish my heart would quit beating and at the same time I'm glad it does because it tells me how I really feel and that's a relief because I never know, really, and now that I do it's confusing and scary and I'll never, in a thousand years, tell Phil any of this because if I did he'd think I was selfish and I am, I so am, and yet I can't help it. I'm a mess and I don't want to break but if I keep this up it'll be so much worse and I'm going to have to sort my shit out because we have a radio show to do tomorrow and I can't be like this on camera. My fans will freak out and Phil already is and my friends hate me and I just need to not be me for a day. '

I couldn't flip back through his journal, whether I wanted to or not. These were Dan's thoughts and they were rambling and concerning but they hurt me. It hurt me to know that he felt this way and I couldn't help, and I swore I would. Now that I knew Dan was… like this… there was no way I could be mad anymore. I felt like crying, seeing the person I cared most about in this world in pain.  
I couldn't sleep that night, waking up at about nine AM and going into the lounge to distract myself. Dan was already awake, or maybe he had been awake for awhile, but either way he looked like shit.  
“You don't need to go to the studio today,” I said carefully, and Dan looked at me equally as careful.  
“It's okay. I'll be fine.”  
“Did you sleep well?” I asked, and he shook his head, looking at the floor.  
“I keep having nightmares. They're like walls; they keep me from resting even if I'm technically asleep.”  
I nodded, completely understanding. I had them too. “Take a day off, don't stress yourself out. I can manage by myself.”  
“Do you not want me there?”  
I blinked a few times, shaking my head. “No, of course I want you there. I just don't want you to worry about it too much.”  
Dan nodded, not really seeming to believe me but accepting my explanation nonetheless. “I'm not worrying.”  
I didn't believe him at all, but I nodded as well and we fell into silence that wasn't comfortable nor uncomfortable. The day went like that, with us speaking in brief sentences and avoiding each other's’ eyes until we had to leave for BBC.  
We were a tad bit late when we arrived, but not too bad-we had plenty of time to read over our scripts for the day and test the sound system and whatnot. Dan wasn't paying attention when they signaled us to start, so I said the introductions and played the first song, while Dan smiled at the appropriate times and nodded along. He was clearly distracted, though, and by the time we made it to the seven second challenge he was biting down on his fingernails, a habit Dan wasn't prone to and worried me immensely.  
“Alright Dan, you start. I'm ready for a challenge.”  
A few beats late Dan grinned, rubbing his hands together and smiling wickedly. He was such an amazing actor that I knew our viewers wouldn't be able to tell something was off. Probably. Hopefully.  
“Okay Philly, sing one full verse of America's national anthem.”  
I was glad I knew this one, and only gave the camera a half-hearted glare at my nickname. “Ohsaycanyouseebythedawn’searlylightwhatsoproudlywehailthat’ssogalantlystreamingandtherocket’sredglarethebombsburstinginairgaveproofthroughthenightthatourflagwasstillthere.”  
The buzzer sounded right when I had finished, and I exaggerated my panting while Dan was laughing and complaining to the camera about me somehow cheating. The people behind the camera were smiling and shaking their heads like they always did, because Dan and I made a great pair of hosts and they knew it. We were entertaining, I'd give us that much.  
“Fine, Danny, ready for your demise?”  
Dan shifted his weight from foot to foot, leaning and exaggerating his preparation and probably making anyone watching smile. “Is this nickname Monday now? Because you do not want to challenge me to that.”  
I rolled my eyes and held up my hand, telling him to brace himself. “List all the colours of light in the spectrum in order.”  
Dan was flustered, and I loved it, and he suddenly started panicking like he always did, making me grin. Five seconds.  
“Uhh, ROYGBIV so that's red orange yellow... green blue PURPLE!”  
He screamed the last colour over the buzzer and I laughed and laughed, shaking my head at the camera as he looked around and asked, “I did it, yeah? I got them all?”  
I shook my head, and he looked despairingly at me with his hands up. “Red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, and violet,” I explained, and he started protesting right back.  
“But I said ROYGBIV! That counts, you didn't say I had to say the words, just list them!”  
He had a point, and I kind of wanted to keep playing because I hadn't seen Dan this relaxed in so long, so I sighed heavily at the camera and pushed the ding button, making Dan jump around in victory.  
“You owe me one now, because I'm nice.”  
Dan's eyes were shining when he looked at me again, what our fans called his “heart eyes” but what I knew was really just his real smile.  
“Okay okay, serious business. Your challenge is to name five things that are consistently on my Tumblr.”  
Oh no. I didn't get on Tumblr too much, but I knew Dan so well… I'd forgotten time was ticking and I had five seconds left when I rambled, “Asian stuff, Kanye West, Muse, umm… black aesthetic stuff and.... wait wait wait-”  
The buzzer sounded and I dropped my head in shame, pouting a little as Dan stared disappointingly at the camera.  
“Really, Phil? It wasn't even a hard question.”  
“What was something else?”  
Dan sighed, staring at me pointedly until it was obvious that I had no clue, rolling his eyes and dryly replying to the camera, “Us, Phil. Dan and Phil Games? It's a thing?”  
I laughed and did my loser routine, saying it was unfair because I could've said dogs and technically would have been right. But Dan hit the buzzer a few more times to rub it in, and held his finger over the song cue button on his end.  
“Well guys, you can blame Phil for this one!”  
And the beginning notes of All Star began, and I groaned as Dan gave his ‘fight me’ gestures to the camera, shaking my head and mouthing apologies to our viewers. Pretty soon the show ended, and Dan and I were still laughing when the camera went down, somehow getting involved in a tickle war and people were smiling at their shoes after looking at us, and it was as close to perfect as we'd been in a while.  
“Stop, stop, stop! I can't breathe Phil!”  
I cackled evilly, glad that Dan was so ticklish almost everywhere on his body. “Only if you say I win!”  
“Never!” he shouted, and by then our coworkers were crowded around and betting on who would win. It went back and forth for awhile, but I eventually managed to sit on Dan's back and pin his arms to the floor.  
“Surrender,” I whispered against his neck, causing him to squirm again like I knew it would. His neck was oddly sensitive, and I bet he wished he didn't have that weakness now.  
“I surrender.”   
His voice was muffled against the floor, but everyone heard and applauded as I stood, bowing dramatically and not expecting Dan's foot to shoot out, tripping me. But he hadn't planned on me falling directly onto him, so we both ended up in a heap on the floor.  
“Ha, you spork. Thought I'd let you off that easy,” Dan teased as I rolled off of him, unable to wipe the grin from my face. I hadn't had that much fun in a long time, and it was refreshing, acting like a child when I was nearly thirty.  
We decided to take a cab home, tired and not wanting to fight the underground. Dan's head eventually found it's way to my shoulder, and I knew he was asleep because Dan was very careful about these things, especially overly expressing affection and emotion. He must have been exhausted to actually fall asleep on me. I let him, though-I liked seeing my best friend like this, purely Dan and nothing else. And if the real Dan wanted to lean on my shoulder because he couldn't sleep at night, then so be it.  
I did have to wake him up when we got home, but I moved over so he wouldn't know he'd been resting his head on my arm. He jerked awake like he always did, looking slightly panicked and slightly confused. When he saw me, however, he smiled easily and my heart squeezed because Dan didn't just smile anymore. When we let ourselves into the flat, Dan's step faltered, and I resisted the urge to drag him back out. He'd been doing so well…  
“I had fun today,” he said carefully, and I made myself grin when he turned around.  
“I did too! BBC makes me remember why I love hosting things so much.”  
Dan smiled as well, but it didn't quite reach his eyes, which looked troubled and exhausted. Without thinking I stepped forward, wrapping my arms around him and ignoring his initial surprise as I did. He hugged me back after a few seconds, hesitantly at first, but eventually I felt him relax into the embrace.  
“I'm glad you had fun,” I mumbled against his shoulder, and he nodded, stepping back. I was only trying to help, but he still looked troubled and twice as confused.  
“Yeah. Are you excited about going to see your parents tomorrow?”  
I looked at him blankly for a few moments, eventually remembering and muttering half-curses as I all but bolted to my room, flinging my suitcase out of the bottom of my closet as Dan leaned against the door frame and chuckled at my panic.  
“One thing to remember and you go and-”  
I cut him off by throwing my phone at him and saying, “Please call my mum and ask her when she wants me there and whatnot, you know the drill.”  
Dan grinned, dialing my mum’s number and putting it on speaker.  
“Hey sweetie!”  
Dan chuckled, tilting the phone towards his mouth. “Hi Mrs.Lester, it's actually Dan. I'm standing here with your son, who is-”  
He ducked as a pillow flew out the door above him, sticking his tongue out at me and continuing. “-cooking a late dinner, and has food all over his hands.”  
My mum laughed, and Dan smirked at me, mouthing ‘you owe me one’. I glared halfheartedly as my mum’s voice filled the room again.  
“Well that’s okay, can you please just let him know it’ll be raining and snowing when he gets here, so he needs to pack warm?”  
I rolled my eyes, but Dan was mostly just talking to my mum now, since the two of them had always gotten along.  
“Of course, we don’t want Philly catching a cold.”  
I glared again at the nickname, making Dan smile innocently at me. My mum laughed, and was quiet for a moment before speaking again, like she was turning something over in her mind.  
“Actually, you know what? Why don’t you come along as well. We haven’t seen you in so long, and Martyn’s visiting and you three always find crazy ways to make us laugh.”  
Dan flushed, and I snickered because I knew he always thought my mum was way too sweet to be a real person.  
“Oh, Mrs. Lester, it’s fine really, I wouldn’t want to intrude on you-”  
“Nonsense. You’re part of this family too and if you don’t come I’ll be upset with you.”  
I knew she had him-she loved the guilt trips-and Dan chuckled because there was one person in this world that he couldn’t win an argument against, and that was my mum.  
“Thank you so much Mrs. Lester. I guess we’ll see you all tomorrow?”  
“Absolutely! See you guys then!”  
After they said their goodbyes, Dan tossed me my phone and sighed. “I guess I need to pack too.”  
“Don’t pretend you’re not excited. You love them.”  
He grinned before going into his room, and we packed for about an hour before gravitating back to the lounge. Dan still looked off, but I think going to see my parents tomorrow had distracted him, at least somewhat. And that was better than nothing.  
We had just started watching The Great British Bake Off when I began to feel sleepy. I stood, yawning and stretching my arms over my head.  
“I’m gonna head to bed. See you tomorrow.”  
Dan nodded, waving at me as I went to take my contacts out and change into pajamas. I had barely laid down before I began dozing off, and was well on my way into a deep sleep when my door creaked open.  
“Phil?”  
“Mmm?” I answered Dan, half-asleep.  
“Thank you for cheering me up today.”  
I rolled over, grinning at his silhouette in the door. “N’problem. Glad to do it.”  
He chuckled before retreating out the door, and had almost closed it when I mumbled, “I like it when you smile.”  
“What?”  
“Nothing. Goodnight.”  
“Goodnight, Phil.”

We had to wake up early the next day, and I could tell by the circles under Dan’s eyes that he was up scrolling on Tumblr until an ungodly hour of the night. We were silent during breakfast, both too sleepy to talk.  
“We should probably leave soon,” I eventually mumbled, taking both our bowls to the sink and rinsing them off. We grabbed our suitcases and were just about to phone a taxi when a car screeched to a stop in front of us, and the window rolled down to reveal my brother.  
“Get in, dorks. Mum doesn't trust cabs.”  
So we did as he said, me in the backseat and Dan in the passenger, since tended to get carsick and wanted to lay down. Martyn wasn't much for car discussions, so after we said our hellos he turned the radio on and began the 6 hour drive to our parents' house. I, surprisingly, slept through the majority of it, and we were about half an hour away when I woke up.  
"So Dan, you look different than the last time I saw you."  
Dan chuckled, shrugging. "It's been about two years, so I'd imagine."  
Martyn snorted, laughing the way he always did. We both had those distinctive laughs-I apparently poke my tongue out the side of my teeth, and Martyn snorted. It wasn't rude, either, which was odd. It was just Martyn.  
"Well, duh. But you look...happier, I guess. Dating somebody?"  
It was Dan's turn to snort. "Oh, no no. I'm a bachelor."  
Martyn didn't buy it, obviously, but let it go. We arrived at our parents' house about ten minutes later, and we'd barely pulled up when my mum ran out of the house, hugging Martyn and I at the same time and squealing with happiness. Dan was smiling at us from a few steps back, letting us have our little reunion before my mum stepped away from us and towards him, arms outstretched.  
"Don't you think I forgot about you. You're my favorite."  
Martyn and I both protested at the same time, and Dan stuck his tongue out as he hugged her back. "Good to see you, Mrs.Lester. It's been way too long."  
"That it has," she agreed, turning back towards the house as we followed her with our suitcases. I missed this house so much; the sloping yard, the forest that backed the house, all the flowers and oh, the houseplants. There were five small ones filling the space just in the entrance hall, and Dan snickered quietly as he placed his shoes next to one.   
"You people hoard houseplants. It's unhealthy."  
My mum luckily didn't hear him, but I put my shoes on top of his black ones and made sure to scuff them up. "Don't insult my mother, you animal."  
Dan knocked my shoes away from his, glaring halfheartedly at me for making them dusty. "At least I don't put my socks on the coffee table..."  
I groaned, escaping this inevitable lecture by nearly running to the kitchen to help my mum make lunch. Dan followed me, grabbing some groceries on the counter and putting them in the appropriate places. He'd been over to my parents' house twice before, one of the times receiving the grand tour from my mum, and apparently hadn't forgotten anything. Dan was odd like that; he remembered little details and facts about things, while I understood the big picture and had trouble really remembering specific details. That's why Dan took care of our plans; because of instances like yesterday.  
But he was a flurry in the kitchen, easily reaching shelves and doing ten things at once. I couldn't help but stare; Dan was just plain mesmerizing sometimes.  
Martyn had gone upstairs, so after we put everything up, and my mum had started making lunch, Dan and I went to put our stuff upstairs. I opened the door to my room while he headed to the guest room, and was more than a little surprised to find it packed with boxes. I went to the top of the stairs, calling rather than yelling, "Mum? Can I ask you why my room doesn't exist anymore?"  
I heard silence from the kitchen for a few moments before she walked into view, looking sheepish.   
"It's just temporary, until we renovate just a little. Do you mind sleeping in the guest room with Dan for now?"  
Dan had actually walked up as well, looking curious. It took me a minute to finally bob my head up and down, and mum smiled, looking at Dan next.  
"Are you okay with Phil staying in the guest room with you? We had to use his room for storage."  
Dan's face paled, but his smile was convincing enough for my mum. Only I noticed how not okay he was, and how he wouldn't meet my eyes. I hated that I didn't know what his problem was, but I let it go for now. Dan would talk when he was ready, I told myself. Over and over and over. All day long.  
By dinner time I had about had it with Dan ignoring me and avoiding me all day. I hated him when he acted like this; like I’d offended him or something, and didn’t tell me what I’d done. Because I had to have done something wrong, because Dan was getting on fine my my mum and Martyn, but stayed ten feet away from me at all times. I hated it.  
So as we sat down at dinner-it was just the four of us, since dad was off with some buddies for a golfing trip-I realized my spot was next to Dan’s. Mum did this on purpose-she knew how close Dan and I were, and she got to sit next to both me and Martyn if Dan sat next to me. So we said blessing, and began to eat, Martyn chattering non stop and Dan almost completely silent. His silence was a weight over me, not allowing me to focus on the conversation because everything in me was attuned to Dan. I could tell when he was in a dark place, and right now, he was. He seemed relatively fine on the outside, smiling along with everyone else and picking his food apart very cleverly to make it appear that he’d eaten more than he really had. You had to watch him to catch what he was doing, but I knew that’s what was happening.   
I just didn’t know why.  
And every time our hands brushed reaching for the salt or pepper, or when I dropped my napkin and accidentally touched his leg, he’d stiffen like I’d electrocuted him. He didn’t jerk away-that would alert my mum-but he’d freeze like a rabbit paralyzed with fear. When Martyn and my mum were particularly preoccupied by one Martyn’s crazier stories, I leaned over and whispered, “What is up with you today? You’ve been acting like I physically disgust you.”  
Abruptly standing, Dan grinned at my mum, who looked up from her plate, startled.   
“I’m just going to head to bed a little early; I don’t feel well, but I think it’s lack of sleep.”  
Mum immediately looked concerned, and waved Dan towards his room. “Oh, honey, I hope you feel better by tomorrow. Go get some rest.”  
Dan smiled thankfully, not looking at me once. “Thank you. Dinner was amazing.”  
That pleased mum, and as Dan left, I started to get slightly angry. I didn’t let it show, however; just stayed quiet and thought. It wasn’t his fault, I knew, and it might not be mine, either. But I missed my Dan; loud and animated and hilarious and adorable. How he was most of the time. Not these days of darkness, the ones that refused to let him live his life. Dan hadn’t acted like himself for an entire day in a long time; it’s like I didn’t even know him anymore. And I used to know everything about him, more than I knew myself, even.  
Dinner eventually ended, and as I began washing dishes, I felt mum’s hand on my back.  
“Martyn, sweetie, please finish up here? I need to talk to Phil for a little while.”  
Every alarm in my mind went off at once, warning me that this talk wasn’t going to be a good one. I should have known I hadn’t fooled her; my mum was practically psychic. She let us outside, onto the porch overlooking our small yard and the trees in the near distance. We stood in silence for a long time, neither of us wanting to bring up the obvious. She spoke first, however. I was too afraid to.  
“Honey… Is everything alright with Dan?”  
I sighed. I shouldn’t have even hoped for a different conversation. Any other conversation would be great right now.  
“Positively peachy, mum.”  
I could hear the sarcasm in my words, and I winced, knowing I sounded like a bratty teenager. I hated sounding like a child, but I was so stressed out right now that I didn’t care as much as I should have.  
“Phil, sweetie, are you gay?”  
I swear I nearly fell off the porch. When I realized I hadn’t, I wanted to jump off. Dissolve into the air. Dissappear. Run away. Anything. I had been wrong; this was the absolute worse conversation for me to have right now, with my mum. I could feel my face heating up and my leg wouldn’t stop bouncing and I knew I was freaking out, but identifying the problem didn’t help.  
And she sounded so calm and rational, too, that it freaked me out even more. She was just looking at me with her patient, loving face, and I tried to swallow the lump around my throat to say something. Any words would do.  
“I, uh. Um.”  
Okay, any words besides THE MOST USELESS-  
“I thought you might be.”  
I coughed, choking a little on lack of air. “You-what?”  
Mum shrugged, seeming partially amused by my reaction and partially concerned. The look she most often had on her face when talking to me.  
“Phil, the way you and Dan are around each other, I’ve thought you were hiding a relationship from me for years. You look at that boy like he’s your world. And he looks so mesmerized by you that it’s almost sickeningly adorable, and I just want to tell you that I’m happy for you two.”  
I finally found my voice, shaking my head and laughing, my laugh on the edge of hysteria. “Mum, we’re not together.”  
Her eyes snapped to me, confused for a moment before accepting. “Oh. Well, then, do you like him?”  
I chuckled nervously, bouncing my leg again. “Of course I like him, he’s my best friend.”  
She gave a small shake of her head, which I couldn’t interpret the meaning behind despite knowing her for the entirety of my twenty nine years on this earth. “Maybe you should ask him if he likes you. Because I think he might not think you like him, and that’s at least a part of what’s the matter with him lately.”  
Part of me knew she had to be at least partially correct, because it made perfect sense. The hug last night. The fights. What he'd said when he was drunk...  
Oh God, what had I done? All those things I said…  
You're a hypocrite and you play on people's emotions.  
You use everyone for everything and can't expect no consequences.  
Sometimes I wish you'd just leave, Dan.  
I didn't mean any of it. I swear I didn't. I wanted so bad to take those words back, and it hurt. It hurt bad to know that I'd hurt Dan when Dan didn't deserve any of it. Dan didn't play on emotions; he evoked emotions in people because he was just so passionate and amazing that sometimes it was hard to absorb. He didn't use people; he was the most real I'd ever seen a person be.  
And of course I didn't want him to leave. I'd be lost if he left.  
My mum let me think in peace, saw the guilt on my face, and after a while gave me a gentle shove towards the door.  
“Go. Apologize. You know how you feel about him; I can see it on your face.”  
She knew me all too well.

“Dan?”  
The lights in the room were off, and my voice seemed too loud in the darkness. I fumbled my way to the bed, nearly landing on top of Dan as I struggled to find the lamp. Light flooded the room with a click, and Dan blinked at me, looking wary and sad and hurt. I couldn't stand that look, that look that threatened to break at any second. If he was going to break, I wanted him to break on me. That's what you did for someone you loved.  
I lay down beside him, and we were silent, facing each other. Both too scared to do anything, say anything, because everything we'd tried to say before ended in disaster. I decided to be the brave one, for once in my life not letting Dan go first. I reached out, running my hand through his hair, and pressed my lips gently to his. He was hesitant at first, and I hated that he didn't trust me. But after a few moments he deepened the kiss, shifting closer to me and wrapping an arm around my waist. After we stopped to catch our breaths, I pulled his head to my chest, running a hand over his hair and whispering, “I'm so, so sorry.”  
And he broke. I knew it was inevitable; Dan was fragile, despite his tough, sarcastic persona. He wasn't uncaring or unaffected; his mind was both his greatest strength and his biggest weakness, and right now, it crippled him. He shattered like glass, coming apart in my hands, and I held him as he sobbed. It was a gut-wrenching, chest-tearing cry that made tears silently run down my face as well, because Dan was hurting and it was my fault. If this was what it took to make him whole again, then he could break and shatter and come apart all he liked. He deserved to be held, to be comforted, to be absolutely weak and helpless for as long as he needed. I didn't mind, even an hour or two later as he finally quieted, hiccupping only a little.  
“Phil?”  
His voice shook, and I kissed the top of his head.  
“Yes?”  
“I love you.”  
I smiled against his hair. “I love you more.”


End file.
